Almost gave up today!
By the end of the 7am class, I had blurry eyes. 7am, 8am- in both the sessions, I was half present, counting 1 to 10 for each pose mechanically. Almost felt like running away!!
‘But this is your job, you have to hold yourself together for 3 more hours. Don’t make a scene!’- said my rational mind.
I held on..
trying to train my mind to tether itself in the last few mins of meditation in each session. It was hell difficult, I must say. I got up multiple times in between, to break myself from the darkness the closed eyes were creating. It was unbearable.
Mind. ‘Mind is like a wild horse’- remembering Sonam’s voice from my Darjeeling training. ‘Witness it wander, and calmly and steadily bring it back to it’s stable’.
Gradually by 12noon, half of the weight was lifted. It diffused itself to an unknown. I looked up at the sky all the way back home, sitting behind my dad’s motorcycle.
‘Look at yourself from outside the planet. Sitting in a far distant star maybe. Do you even see yourself? So now do you realise, how miniscule your problems are?? You are tiny. But you are lucky to be born as a human. Use your innate powers. Be brave enough to believe. Be brave enough to take risks. Be brave enough to confess. Be brave enough to let go. But remember, at the end of it all, what must go, must go. What must be, must be. What is, is Is.’ – Dad’s words to me few years ago ringing in my ears.
At the same time, a second thought occurred. ‘When you face unfortunate close death, whom do you find closest? It’s always, our own life. At that precise moment, you actually realise that you are a Single entity in this Universe. You are your own responsibility. ‘
A mom losing her child once said, ‘ I do not feel depressed anymore. Sure, a part of me has died. But now I believe, everything happens as per cosmic design. I accept it.’
All of these words come from close kins directly said in front of me. Living among people with such strong and wise minds, I feel grateful.
Returning home, I asked myself, ‘Where did I go wrong?? I always believed my heart. Gave in everything I could. Worked hard. Toiled. Risked. Wished things hard to get them manifested. The Universe does listen to me most often. But only when it comes to dealing with another human entities, I fail. Everytime. ‘
I guess my job is done in this aspect. I guess it’s the Universe’s way of telling me, I am not meant for it. It sure did present before me beautiful and unique souls. Great friendships. Great chemistries. Unconditional loves. Free and boundless relationships.
Not many people get these rare opportunities.
Presently, it’s my time to accept. To accept that, I am meant to only witness these souls in snippets. Maybe I will get to witness loads of them in such a way. Just not one for a lifetime. 🙂
I am not hopeless. Hopelessness is poison. I am only learning to look beyond.
No regrets. Learning to realise when to stop after giving up my full self. Endurance after exhaustion is foolishness I believe. It’s time to look forward.
P.S. Thankful to yoga, for making things clear for me.
Thankful to the practice, for bringing out tears on the yoga mat. 😂