“Say not, ‘I have found the truth’, but rather, ‘I have found a truth.’ ” – Khalil Gibran
Today, I found out a truth.
Today, I didn’t smile much.
Today, I wanted everything to be like yesterday.
I lost balance in a pose. And while I was failing, a voice was uttering within.
‘Please let me go… I don’t want to be stuck here! I don’t want to be strong, brave and perfect. I want to break. ‘
But I tried putting on a brave face anyway. ‘No one should know the inner truth’, I thought.
I felt a pain at the back of my neck. I could sense, it was different. Something was trapped and asking for release. But when sir asked if I am hurting, I lied. I lied because I wouldn’t have been able to explain what kind of pain it was.
At this point, when I was feeling almost miserable about myself, the worst happened. Sir instructed, ‘Now Lion pose! ‘ (The most awkward pose ever! ) I somehow can’t make the roaring noise and that’s what embarrasses me the most. I literally struggle to shout and therefore try to muffle up my sound along with others. But today, Sir didn’t say ‘Start! ‘ the first two times. And I mistakenly started first. Oops!! I stopped immediately, realising.
A friend instantly remarked, ‘she must be shy! ‘
Sir said, ‘she is fearful! ‘
I knew both of them were right. Even though the ‘fearful’ part seemed a little hard to gulp down (it hurt my ego, though it was true), I didn’t revolt.
Shouting/raging haven’t ever been my game. Whenever I did, I felt most vulnerable. Vulnerable to the point of shaking. Shaking to the point of tears glands swelling up.
I asked myself on the way back home,
‘How on earth will I ever be really strong and brave? No amount of handstands, trekking, adventures will ever address the issue. Handstands will make me calmer. Trekking is peace of mind and liberation. Adventures are thrill. I can do all of these (or at least try doing) at the drop of a hat. But how to be really strong and brave?’
Today, my weaknesses had been spotted.
Today, I felt tired and almost gave up for tomorrow.
Today, I found out a truth though.
The truth that all of these are related to the underactive Throat Chakra.
(I did some research.)
I can’t sing in public. I can’t dance even in a closed room. Have multiple self-inflicted inhibitions. I can’t express by voice. Detachment. Anxiety. Of course!
Today, was a revelation.
Today, is a beginning of transformation.
Though, honestly, today, I wanted everything to be like yesterday.
Today, I want everyday to be like yesterday.
Just not Today!! Today, I was sad. Today, I didn’t smile much.
Yesterday, I was happy.
Also, did I literally choke and lose my voice that day when a friend asked me about my love life? Anxiety or was it fear of being vulnerable?
But then, did I immediately scorn myself thinking, ‘C’mon that was almost 2years back, don’t be drama!’